New page, new journey

Well, Long time no blog...I don't know why but I really just haven't felt like blogging. Didn't really feel like I had anything I wanted to say.

Anyways, today is my new journey of trying NOT to conceive. I have decided to quit obsessing over it and to just be happy with the two beautiful children I have and call it quits. Today marks the end of a horribly stressful 18 month journey of trying to conceive. Its not fair to myself or my children. The one problem is, my husband desperately wants a child of his own but to be completely honest, I don't think he can have children which is our problem. I am going to have him get a Sperm Analysis just to make sure but its pretty obvious.

So, tonight marks the last night of baseball in our house. My daughter finished her softball year off with a great tournament this last weekend. Covan's last game is tonight. Although, he starts football on July 5th and Hallie starts cheerleading. I really enjoy watching them play baseball and softball. It is my favorite time of year. They both are extremely talented at it so it makes it so much more enjoyful.

I planned a vacation with two of my sisters for Aug 13-16. Really excited to do that. Wish my other sister would come but maybe she will change her mind.

We are going to San Fransisco for four days. Not too long but at least enough time to relax for a weekend and not too long where everything will fall apart at home.

I am starting a new page in my life as I said in the title. I am going to stop ttc and get extremely healthy. Not health freak or anything but get my body toned up. I am not really over weight but I don't get much exercise and my muscles are decreasing which causes my back to hurt. I am tired of my arms looking flabby and my back hurting so here I go.

I am going to weigh soon and then go from there. I don't really have a goal weight because I am not unhappy with my weight right now, I just want to be stronger and more fit.

I havent' discussed all of this with my husband but he is supportive in whatever it is that I decide to do.

My son is leaving this weekend to spend a week with my parents . They don't get out of school until tomorrow. Then next weekend I am picking him up and dropping off my daughter for two weeks. She is going to go on vacation with my parents. I am a little sad about that but I know the break will be nice.

Thats all for now. Now that I am not ttc and spending all day on there, I am going to be blogging daily and also...working out....crafting...reading and trying to start my online business which I will talk about more later!

So long, no time to blog

I haven't blogged in forever it seems. I was trying to blog every day but I got too busy and haven't been able to blog or I just haven't felt like it. Who knows...

Been on progesterone for almost three weeks now which put me in a real bitchy mood. Not so much mean but sensitive, irritable and emotional. They put me on the cream and on the 18th I go in for testing, if my progesterone is too low then they will start me on injectable progesterone. Hopefully that doesn't make me even more cranky. All of this ttc stuff can wear on ya.

I have been doing pretty good this cycle. I haven't temped once! I think I ovulated this weekend but not really sure exactly when. I have just been doing my yoga and drinking my green super food and taking vitamins and relaxing.

My daughter turned seven Saturday. It was so cute and sad at the same time! Did you hear me? My baby is 7!!!! My son will be 8 on the 22nd. It makes my baby fever even worse when my kids age and I feel like I will never get a baby again!

Mother's Day was ok. We went to church in the am and then had some friends from church over for a bbq. It was a good time. My kids stayed Sat night with their dad and didn't come home until bedtime on Mother's day. It was kinda sad but if it hadn't been mother's day it would have been a great day. My hubby didn't do anything for me but that is normal. He doesn't do well under pressure.

All is well though around here. Just been focusing on my home, childcare, children, baseball, softball, and trying not to focus only on ttc.

Later Gator!

Ready for summer

So I am so ready for summer! At least a little sunshine. It is sooo cold outside. Its like winter again.
Havent written in a couple of days. AF showed up and caused me pain, like she always does. I have been interviewing midwives and I think I found the one I like the best but I think I shall do a couple more interviews. Just in case.

Hoping this is my month to conceive. I am just going to relax and take it easy. My daycare is full, kids are playing sports, I don't really have the energy or mind to be stressing over it so I am not going to temp or chart or anything.

We are renting out our basement starting Sunday. We will just have to see how that goes. I don't really want to but its extra money and we aren't using it at all. Hopefully this lady will try to keep to herself and give us our privacy.

Other than all of that life is pretty good. Excited for mother's day. We are having our friends from church over for a bbq so hopefully it will be nice out.

Kids have been doing great in school. Covan came out of his attitude slump so that is nice. I was starting to worry for awhile but I think he will make it, at least through the school year.

Well, see ya tomorrow my little blog....:-)

Im the one weirdo that loves Mondays!

Ya...I know. Crazy huh? Well I just like them. It's the day that everything goes back to normal. Kids are in school, hubby is at work. It's me, my house and the daycare...

I still haven't had a visit from AF but I am expecting her at anytime. I tested this morning and got a BFN. Not really sure why I haven't started since I should have yesterday but not really worried about it.

I have a consult this morning with a midwife. I am pretty excited about that. Hopefully she can help me with acheiving pregnancy.

I also got a pregnancy prediction. Not sure if I believe in all of that but it seemed fun. It says that I should be getting pregnant on this next cycle so we will see.

Kids had a great weekend. Pastor taught about not judging people at church yesterday and it really hit home. My husband and I kept track of how many times we said something critical or cynical or rude about someone and it was horrible! I didn't realize how often and quick we are to judge others. It was a really good lesson and now I have something to work on! Whoo hoo!

This week is going to be completely crazy. Covan has 4 nights of baseball, Hallie has two nights of softball and she has a tournament on sat and sun. Busy busy busy!

It was supposed to be 75 here today but it is looking overcast right now so who knows. I am really looking forward to this nice weather. Hopefully it shows up by afternoon!

For some reason I can't really think of much else to say. Be back tomorrow!

Go Go Go!

Well it's Saturday and I have a few minutes here to write before I have to go to a softball game for my daughter.

My son played his first baseball game of the season and won last night 11-4. They did pretty good. It is so much fun to watch your kids do something they enjoy. It's even better when they are good at it.

Still no AF today I made an appt to consult with a midwife on Monday. Should know by then if I am preggers or not. I feel today like AF is gonna show her ugly head really soon. On top of that, I have a cold. I don't know if it is from being out in the rain last night at my son's game but when I went to bed my throat was all swollen and now I am coughing up stuff...YUCK! Doesn't my body understand that I don't have time to be sick! Usually I don' t get sick but sometimes it starts and I just keep fighting it and usually it works. Maybe once per year I will get sick enough to lay around but no more than that.

My kids stayed at their dads last night and I didn't know what to do with myself. I watched Pay It Forward for the millionth time. Every time I watch that movie it touches me and makes me think how much we can learn from children. There are a lot of good lessons to learn from that movie but this is the one I want to talk about now.

When I look at the way children act and react, it is so innocent. Even when they are being naughty, they have such an honesty about their outlook on life.

For example, yesterday was quite a day, one of my daycare kids took a rock and smashed another one's fingers and sent him off to the e.r. for stitches.... Ya, it was bad. Dealing with the parents of both kids was the worst. But, when my son got home from school I told him what had happened and he started crying. I asked him why he was crying and he said, "It's my fault mom!" I asked him why he felt that way and he said it was because he left the rock outside and if he hadn't, the little boy wouldn't have gotten his fingers smashed.

That makes me think...The sweetness of children. They haven't felt enough hurt in life to be bitter about things that happen. When something like that happens they don't ask, "what did I do to deserve this?" Instead they wonder what they could have done to help it not happen and they just feel genuine sadness and sympathy.

I don't know how many times I have seen something bad happen to someone that probably deserved it and said, "Serves them right" or "that's karma for ya". At what point in life do we go from feeling genuine compassion to being downright unkind and nasty?

Whatever happened to stopping on the side of the road and helping someone with a flat tire or someone that has run out of gas rather than driving by saying, "shoulda gotten gas when the light came on" or "sucks to be you".

Well, gotta go to a game now, I might write more on this later today but my time for blogging is up! LATER!

Yes! Finally Friday!

I don't know what I love more than friday...
I am not really sure why I love fridays so much because I never have a free weekend. I guess it is just because I have my kids home and no daycare kids. Don't get me wrong, I love my daycare kids but they are not my kids so it is nice to have a break.

Today is a weird day emotionally for me also. I guess after four negative preg tests this week I just don't care. Whatever. If I am pregnant then I am pregnant. If not, then hurry up AF and lets get it over with!

My daughter (7 years old) had her first softall game of the year last night and she beat them 25-15. I am pretty stoked about that. My son (8 years old), his first game is tonight. Another game for my daughter on saturday and baseball pics for my son also on sat.

On another topic, my dh slept on the couch last night. That was after I chewed him out for an hour. I feel sorry for him but not really. He left work five hours early the other day and I lied to me about it. I found out from his boss, (which just HAPPENS to be my ex-husband/father to my children). I was mortified and let him in on my feelings for sure. Hopefully he learned his lesson.

But really, why do guys lie about the dumbest things? I mean, the reason he left I will keep somewhat private but I can guarantee you that it was nothing to hide. They make themselves look so guilty and us women so worried but in the end, its usually because they want some alone time or they want to go buy some stupid car part or get their eyebrows waxed but are too embarrassed to admit it.

My hubby doesn't understand why it upsets me so much. He of course turns it around to say that if I wasn't so intimidating then he wouldn't have to feel like he has to lie. I understand that but come on! The way I look at things is if you have to lie about it, then you probably shouldn't be doing it!

Anyways, when I explained to him that if I disappeared for 5 hours and he didn't know where I was and then I lied and said I was somewhere else. He would be upset. He agreed, apologized and slept on the couch so I let it go. I hugged him this morning before he went to work. I am going to let it be and move on to have a great weekend. He really is an awesome guy and an amazing husband. Just acts like he is a teenage boy and I am his mother sometimes. I am sure that he will grow out of that eventually. He is almost 33 though! LOL

I said a couple of days ago that I was going to write about what makes me who I am or Who I really Am.... I just don't think I am mentally ready to write about that. After AF comes or I find out I am pregnant, either one, then I will write about that. Right now I don't think I am ready to write on that topic.

In general I feel pretty good today. No apparent reason other than it is Friday and the sun is shining!

So much pressure!

So today is all about feeling sorry for myself. LOL.

As I had said before, I am ttc #3. I have been at this diligently for 16 cycles. I got prego in sept 09 and lost it and then again in dec. but I guess that was a chemical pregnancy or just didn't implant well.

Now I really feel like this is my month. I have been charting my temps and doing all the necessary things to get pregnant but I POAS for the last three days and nothing. BTW: POAS stands for "Peed on a stick".

My husband wants a baby so bad that I feel like I am failing him. I also want a baby but I can deal with failing myself...I don't like failing him. I am going to see a midwife on Tuesday so if I am not already pregnant she is going to help me with getting on some meds to get things going.

I feel so emotional though. I am tired of timing everything. I had a new daycare kid start today and she is 27months old. She sat on my lap and patted my stomach and said, "There's a baby in there!" It freaked me out! I hope she is right! That would just be great!

Anyways, my daughter has a softball game tonight at six. My son has a chiropractor appt at 4 so I do need to get off the computer eventually and take a shower. Problem is, i don't feel like doing anything. I woke up at 3 am thinking I needed to take my temp. BROTHER!

Sometimes when one thing completely overtakes my mind, nothing else seems to matter. I am doing so many other things in my life like kids and work and sports and dinner and planning two birthday parties and all I think about all day is whether or not I am pregnant. I wish I could make myself stop but I don't know how....

Either being pregnant or AF coming would at least let me know one way or the other. If I am not, then I can move on to the next phase of my cycle.

Thats all for today. I have nothing intelligent to write. I am mad at my body for being difficult and I am mad at my husband for not getting me pregant and then making me feel so bad. I will stop now and be back tomorrow!